


only then i am human, only then i am clean

by xolotia



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Slight mentions of blood, how do i tag i suck at this goodbye, im sorry, me to myself: why learn how to write mika's accent if u just make a fic with no dialogue, rated t for the slight mention of blood at the end, screams in i love mika but i also love writing angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23898541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xolotia/pseuds/xolotia
Summary: Perfect dolls are not brought apart by flowers.
Relationships: Itsuki Shuu/Kagehira Mika
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	only then i am human, only then i am clean

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!  
> this is my first time writing a fic to post to the public (i usually just keep them to myself lol low confidence tingz ✌️ ✌️) so please feel free to critique! any feedback is appreciated <3  
> title taken from hozier's "take me to church"

Perfect dolls shouldn’t feel unneeded emotions, like jealousy. Perfect dolls also shouldn’t contract hanahaki disease.

But Mika was far from a perfect doll.

Mika had those unneeded emotions. Mika had contracted hanahaki disease. His unrequited love only grew stronger as the days went by, especially when it was just him and Shu alone. But Mika knew Shu would never return his feelings. Mika saw all of the affection he gave Nazuna. It isn’t like Mika didn’t love Nazuna, of course. He did. But nobody could love Nazuna more than Shu did, and Mika knew that for a fact.

Every time he saw Shu’s longing gaze directed towards Nazuna, the flowers threatened to spill out, scratching at his throat and burning in his chest as the love turned into pain and emotional anguish. The roses he so often coughed up when he was by himself felt no longer like roses, but only the thorns that came with them. They poked at his heart and at any moment it felt like they were going to stab through it and let Mika bleed out and die alone.

Of course, Mika would never tell anyone. He wouldn’t dare speak a word of his true feelings to Shu. He couldn’t. So Mika sat and acted like nothing was bothering him at all. He still tried to be that perfect doll that Shu wanted. But Mika knew deep inside of his heart that he could never be a perfect doll. The only perfect doll for Shu was Nazuna, and Mika was not Nazuna.

As the love he had for Shu grew, the petals in his lungs turned to blossoms. Blossoms eventually turned into full-grown flowers, and romantic daydreams turned into tears. Why couldn’t he be good enough for Shu to love him? The question plagued his mind night and day, it refused to let Mika have one single moment of happiness. Mika wanted those affectionate eyes and those loving smiles to be his, and only his. Not Nazuna’s, not anyone else’s. His. Mika knew it was an outlandish dream, yet he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

But then it hit him. Shu was happy with Nazuna, right? Mika swore to himself that all he ever wanted was for Shu to be happy. So every time the flowers spilled out of his lungs, up into his throat, out of his mouth, he let them. Hanahaki could only go on for so long until it eventually killed someone. Sure, he could get the flowers removed, but Mika didn’t want all of his feelings for Shu to go away. It was addictive to him, that cycle of love and pain. He deserved it, he told himself.

So maybe, just maybe, one day the flowers will destroy Mika from the inside out. They’ll sweep him up in a whirlwind of torment and misery, and float around him every time he choked one up in a taunting, blood-stained bouquet of what he once thought of as the best feeling in the world. Those flowers will fill up his lungs and force him to gasp for air as if telling him it’s what he gets for daring to think he could ever hold them down.

Mika silently hoped that those flowers would hurt him, kill him from the inside and make him suffer. Shu deserved a better marionette than Mika. Shu deserved someone who wouldn’t get caught up in their emotions and let something so beautiful and expressive as flowers tear them apart.

And so Mika dreamed. He dreamed of the day that finally, those flowers would break him into pieces. Pieces of the doll he never could be, and leave him lying in a bloody floral mess of love never returned and his own shattered heart.

**Author's Note:**

> i was so nervous to post this oh boy  
> i hope you enjoyed it!!


End file.
